literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
