I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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