Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
