I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
