Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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