So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Farmville is her only friend.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
