i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
