Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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