I'm going to jail i love you
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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