Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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