Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
