also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
