how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
she told me i tasted like america
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
