There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
