I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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