After last night, I could never be a politician.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Reggie can tackle my bush.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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