I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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