are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
