about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize