don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
