I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
