The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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