3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Four minutes until I can fart!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
