Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I look better un-naked...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
