I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
