Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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