So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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