I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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