Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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