god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
