he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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