who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
