Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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