Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
