that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
