Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
