I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
