so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
