I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
