I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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