I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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