You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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