Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
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