I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
