My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
