you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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