When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
