I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize