Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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