listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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