Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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