The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
