Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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