you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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