i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
