just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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