Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
