Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
