just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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