I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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